Do you see the way she is looking at me?
I remember this moment.
It absolutely made me cringe.
I was so mad at her. I had so much animosity built up in my heart against her that I did not appreciate this moment w her.
I couldn’t even look at this picture until after she passed.
It was ONLY at that time did i appreciate & feel the love pour from her soul.
It was also the time that I felt an OVERWHELMING SENSE OF GUILT!
She was proud of me. She loved me. She was my person who protected me, who shielded me, she was the other piece to my soul, she was the one who had the best intentions yet not always the best choices-
She was also the one that was so easy to direct my anger & blame at.
From about adolescence thru my adulthood, i blamed her for everything.
Why didn’t you raise my brother, sister & i together?
Why did you keep me from my biological dad & family?
Why were you always asleep?
Why did you always make plans w me & cancel?
Why didn’t you shop for my graduation dress w me?
Why didn’t you spend time w me growing up?
Why did you sleep thru my high school years?
Why did you allow yourself to become addicted to opioids?
Why were you always sick?
Why didn’t you come w me to look at my 1st apartment?
Why didn’t you come to your bday dinner i planned for you & our 1st night in Mexico?
This is a very hard post for me to write.
In fact I can barely type thru my tears.
But this is important. I’m not sharing bc i want smoke blown up my ass. I’m sharing bc if i can take what is plaguing me and impact you, i will.
Please listen to me.
I know your life is about YOU.
You have your experiences, your happenings…
But understand that we are all humans journeying through life. Even your parents.
As shitty or as wonderful as they are/were.
Don’t allow yourself to play victim.
UNDERSTAND Your mom is MORE than just your mom. She is a woman. She has grown thru life. She has experiences that you may not know about that have wounded her and she has persevered. She has fought. More often than not, for you.
In ways you will NEVER know.
My mom was wounded. She had 3 children by the time she was 20. She was physically abused by her husband who spent time in Vietnam War and came back wounded himself. My mom loved love. She had a light in her heart with a dark past. She was beautiful. She was funny. She made people laugh. People enjoyed being around her. I remember being jealous of that, bc i wanted her to be around me.
The thing is, we all have a story.
Stories filled with choices. intentions. Storms. Experiences. Happiness. Highs. Lows. Victories. Regrets. Sorrow. Guilt. Truth. Lies.
We are all on this journey of discovery.
To love ourselves. To heal through pain.
You don’t have to be defined by your parents stories.
Create your own.
I strongly believe that the truth you continue to feed yourself is based on your perception only. Unless you take the time to UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER, you will continue to live one sided. Allow yourself to grow from your childhood and personal experiences.
Ask questions. It’s okay.
I need to share this because this has plagued my heart in so many ways.
On Easter of 2016 I called my mom out of obligation to wish her a Happy Easter.
She didn’t answer. She was upset w me.
A few days later she passed.
I’ll always wonder if she died sad. Did she pass with regret of not being able to say i love you ONE MORE TIME!
I FORGIVE my mom for everything I thought she was NOT, I am GRATEFUL for everything she WAS and i LOVE EVERY PIECE OF HER HEART & SOUL! xo
And i believe she forgave me. ❤️
Thank you for listening to my heart today.